Are we ready?

In one week, we will be arriving at the hospital with one, maybe two of my children for possible surgery. I have anxiously awaited this day for Jayden to go in and have his gastostomy (G-tube) closed. (You can see a picture here.) But now that the actual time has been set and the end is near, I am afraid.

I am not sure if I am ready. I am not sure if Jayden is ready. I never believed myself to become dependent on a feeding tube or to become afraid to have it removed. By having the tube in place, I believe it provides a sense of security, that knowing if for some reason again he stops eating we could go back and use it for nutrition and hydration. Two years ago I coudln't wait for the day for the tube to be removed. Now, I am not sure if I a ready.

Jayden doesn't eat well. Some meals he takes three bites of food and other meals he eats nothing. He seems to be getting most of his calories through the Pediasure or Whole Milk he drinks. Considering the tube is still in place, and could very well be in place for the rest of his life, I question how ready we are to remove it? I have prayed about this, and my head is still racing. I am not sure if I am ready.

The surgery is elective, meaning, it's not a required surgery that has to be done. His tube could literally stay there forever. When I question why not take it out, it's because we haven't used it in almost a year, aside from one night to hydrate him. Yes, it's a huge benefit to have the tube. When children are sick and won't eat or drink, we still have the option to feed him through his tube and to keep him hydrated. On the other hand, why take it out? Well, he doesn't use it, he's gaining weight at what the doctors say is a good rate, and it does cause him some discomfort externally when his skin gets raw. I am not sure If I am ready.

Jayden's surgeon told me at our last appointment if I have any hesitation about removing it, then we should leave it in. But I cannot decipher the difference between realistic hesitation, security, and/or fear of the unknown. It is realistic that we could have the tube removed and he would need it again and have to go through surgery again to put it in. The doctors have told us that this has happened in the past. It is definitely a security knowing it is there, knowing it could keep him healthy if he refuses to eat all together. And of course, fear of the unknown is a common fear for anyone. I do not remember my baby without his tube. It's a part of him. It's his button. I am not sure if I am ready.

We will visit with the surgeon next Wednesday and go over the surgery details. I hope after that appointment and we have a definitive answer that I will feel at peace with the decision. All in all, we want what is best for Jayden. Does he need the tube when he doesn't use it? Will he continue to gain weight when the tube is out even though it is not a source of caloric intake NOW? Will he feel as if he's missing a part of him, since he's grown up with it?

As if worrying about one child isn't enough, my oldest daughter, Shaylee will be seeing the same surgeon, the same day, along with the gastroenterologist about removing her gall bladder. After an abnormal HIDA scan she will probably need it removed, but needs to see a pediatric surgeon because the surgeons here will not see her as she is too young and it is so rare for her gall bladder to be failing.

It is possible that two of my children will be having surgery the same day. How does a mother prepare for that? How does a mother know where she should be? If one baby is in surgery and one is in recovery, where am I needed?

I am not sure if I am ready for any of this. I am scared, scared of the unknown.