I have been neglecting my blog for awhile now, 9 days to be exact. Just using the time to reflect to myself, make some changes in my life and all for the better, and trying to decide where to go from this point with this blog. On top of everything, Mike's back is out again, plus he's working in the field for his dad so I've been on "everything" duty.
I also can't blog for crap on my computer because the keyboard is shot and only picks random letters to type. It's a very tedious process to type a word, wait to see what letters appear, then backspace and attempt to fix it. Maybe someday I will have money to buy a new one. HA!
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
brutal honesty
I hate anxiety. Social anxiety. Any anxiety. I also hate my "e" on my keyboard because it sticks or it doesn't work. That's beside the point. Except for it makes my typing on here take much longer and makes me much more frustrated.
I have terrible anxiety that I have had for years. The fear of being judged, fear of being talked about, fear of not doing things right and facing consequences and the fear of what others think of me. I've always felt this way, but it's so bad that I don't go out with friends, avoid many situations where I may have to talk to someone, and would much rather be at home. I believe this has gotten worse over the years as I have put on weight and my self esteem has been demolished. Then when I add backstabbers and judgemental people into the equation that brings out even negative feelings.
I even feel judged in my own church, which I haven't been to yet this year. And I think this sucks. My youngest tells me that's our church when we drive by it, but I cannot bring myself to walk through those doors.
Today was a rough day. I was confronted on something that happened over a year ago. And it was something that was so petty I was shocked it came up. I did nothing wrong in this case. Whatever it was doesn't matter, but what matters is how this person made me feel. I felt like crap, like everyone was looking at me and like people have been talking about me. I felt naive. Good thing I have one good person I can talk to, who helped me stay calm and just walk away from it. After all, I am the better person in this case. I walked away and tried to keep my head held high. It sucked.
I look at myself in my job. I am a professional who many people look up to. They rely on me for advice and resources. They call me a teacher. They say they don't want to lose me. They like me. I can honestly say I am good at my job and I am able to look like the strong person that I desire to be. So what's different? Is it that I am a person within an entity...my employer? Is it that I can relate to so many people? How can I be two different people? The person I am in my job is not like the person I am at home. Doesn't that mean I am two-faced? Why can't I see the good in myself and build on that in my personal life?
These questions plague me. They eat me up. They make me think. I think I need to get a life. Literally. And start living. Because this being that I am living in now isn't life. Somethings got to give.
I am not going to proofread this post because I will delete it all. Instead, I have typed with an open flow of words coming straight from my conscious.
I have terrible anxiety that I have had for years. The fear of being judged, fear of being talked about, fear of not doing things right and facing consequences and the fear of what others think of me. I've always felt this way, but it's so bad that I don't go out with friends, avoid many situations where I may have to talk to someone, and would much rather be at home. I believe this has gotten worse over the years as I have put on weight and my self esteem has been demolished. Then when I add backstabbers and judgemental people into the equation that brings out even negative feelings.
I even feel judged in my own church, which I haven't been to yet this year. And I think this sucks. My youngest tells me that's our church when we drive by it, but I cannot bring myself to walk through those doors.
Today was a rough day. I was confronted on something that happened over a year ago. And it was something that was so petty I was shocked it came up. I did nothing wrong in this case. Whatever it was doesn't matter, but what matters is how this person made me feel. I felt like crap, like everyone was looking at me and like people have been talking about me. I felt naive. Good thing I have one good person I can talk to, who helped me stay calm and just walk away from it. After all, I am the better person in this case. I walked away and tried to keep my head held high. It sucked.
I look at myself in my job. I am a professional who many people look up to. They rely on me for advice and resources. They call me a teacher. They say they don't want to lose me. They like me. I can honestly say I am good at my job and I am able to look like the strong person that I desire to be. So what's different? Is it that I am a person within an entity...my employer? Is it that I can relate to so many people? How can I be two different people? The person I am in my job is not like the person I am at home. Doesn't that mean I am two-faced? Why can't I see the good in myself and build on that in my personal life?
These questions plague me. They eat me up. They make me think. I think I need to get a life. Literally. And start living. Because this being that I am living in now isn't life. Somethings got to give.
I am not going to proofread this post because I will delete it all. Instead, I have typed with an open flow of words coming straight from my conscious.
Monday, September 12, 2011
me and my boy
Me and my boy and a picture that I love.
A true favorite that was quickly taken and a boy who won my heart.Sunday, September 11, 2011
wedding fun
The wedding we went to outside yesterday was beautiful and full of people. In fact, so many people that it was impossible to see the bride's dress! Even when she came into the reception the place was so packed I still couldn't see! The kids had fun outside after the wedding. They made trains and chugged around the grass.
They also played Duck Duck Goose with a couple of cousins.
Waiting for the food to be served was especially dragging for the kids, but the entertained themselves quite well...
by playing random games and you know...continuously putting their hands on other people over and over even when told to keep their hands to themselves. LOL
Everyone was tired when we got home last night and crashed until late this morning. Saturday, September 10, 2011
Jayden preschool
I finally got my blog to a point where I am happy with it again. Yay! We've been a busy crew as I'm sure you can understand being a family of eight. Jayden had a rough day at open house for preschool resulting in a tantrum or laying on the floor the entire time. After thirty minutes I had experienced enough and left. The tears ran down my face uncontrollably for over 20 minutes. I was so frustrated and embarrassed and confused. I had no idea if I should spend the money on preschool or put it towards something else. The question of paying for him to have tantrums and not enjoy himself was tough.
I sent a long email to the mentor teacher. She replied with some encouraging advice. I talked to Jayden ALOT about his feelings, being happy, being scared, the new classroom, new teachers, but also how fun it would be and how he really did want to play. That night we talked, the next morning and even when I picked him up to go to preschool. He said he was happy and I was hopeful.
Jayden and I went into the room. He held my hand, but thing were going ok. He picked out his name tag and then we sat at the art table where I helped him cut. Jayden ended up having a great day! He was quiet at first, but after about 20 minutes he warmed up and started to smile and laugh. I pray next week goes as well as last Thursday. Things will be a bit different because daddy will be taking him instead of me. Hopefully Mike can handle it all and Jayden will be fine.
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Last night we went to Flandreau for a wedding rehearsal supper. All of Mike's family was there so it was a big get together. Today is the wedding and it looks like it will be a glorious day. I plan to take a few pictures tonight, so will share soon.
I sent a long email to the mentor teacher. She replied with some encouraging advice. I talked to Jayden ALOT about his feelings, being happy, being scared, the new classroom, new teachers, but also how fun it would be and how he really did want to play. That night we talked, the next morning and even when I picked him up to go to preschool. He said he was happy and I was hopeful.
Jayden and I went into the room. He held my hand, but thing were going ok. He picked out his name tag and then we sat at the art table where I helped him cut. Jayden ended up having a great day! He was quiet at first, but after about 20 minutes he warmed up and started to smile and laugh. I pray next week goes as well as last Thursday. Things will be a bit different because daddy will be taking him instead of me. Hopefully Mike can handle it all and Jayden will be fine.
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Last night we went to Flandreau for a wedding rehearsal supper. All of Mike's family was there so it was a big get together. Today is the wedding and it looks like it will be a glorious day. I plan to take a few pictures tonight, so will share soon.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
I've been avoiding the whole blogging thing lately because I have honestly felt burned out from it. I haven't used my camera for much since the birthdays have passed and haven't made it to any games yet. It's tough to make those when they start at 4 or 5pm out of town. There are only 3 home games. :( We'll see if I can come up the desire to continue this blog soon.....until then....
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