a picture...

A picture

or a few

is worth

at least

a thousand

words.

Or at least worth your time...
don't ya think??

fair skin

I am so albino compared to the rest of my family. I was just sitting here looking at my blog picture at the top of the page and as I was staring at our feet, I really looked at my legs. Oh. My. Gosh! My legs are so white. I carefully scanned to the top of my body and then left to right as I looked at everyone else and it's really quite incredible if you ask me.

I used to tell people I was blonde hair, blue eyed and fair skinned. Well now I don't think I can even say I'm blonde because the stuff growing out of my head certainly isn't light colored! What happened? My roots are darker than chocolate! In my picture, I can get away with saying my hair is lighter colored than what the roots say, but after Saturday, I will not say that anymore as I am going back to my darker roots for a more natural look this winter. I always do this. Lighter in the summer and warmer in the winter.

Back to my fair skin, my daughter holds her arm up to Mike's and they are very similar. She didn't even have to get near me to see how much I glowed. It's crazy. I am SO fair. And the funniest part of being fair skinned like this is if you actually seen me naked (which you don't want to do) I have a tan! I have a beautiful farmer's tan on my arms and face and a slight tan on my legs. But looking at the picture you wouldn't think so. Geez.

By the way, I don't tan. I can't tan and I don't even try. If I go out in the sun without sunscreen, I will burn terribly bad. So I wear sunscreen. Sometimes I don't, in hopes of getting a tan after the burn, but for me, the burn which is red turns right back to white when it's done.

Maybe in my second life I will be blessed with the ability to get that golden bronzed look. :-)

volleyball season has begun

Miss Shaylee has started up volleyball season already. She even had practices this summer and the first game was today.

Her team did great.
They won all three games.

She has learned to serve overhand this year, so that was fun to watch.

Having a team huddle after the games.

Other than the gym being very humid, it was fun to watch. I wish Volga would break them up into more than one team though. I think there were more than 15 kids on her team.

tonight was different

Jayden continues to have tantrums, but more so at bedtime than during the night. Tonight I tried something a bit different. Jayden was crying and screaming when we tucked him in to bed. He wouldn't allow us to tuck him in. This is normal. It usually takes several times of leaving the room and coming back before we succeed. But tonight was different.

I explained to Jayden that daddy was leaving to take Stewie for a walk, so he won't be here. I explained that if he wanted daddy to give him hugs and kisses now was the time. His cry got sadder, but still wouldn't let daddy tuck him in. So I told him one more time. He still didn't allow it. So we left the room.

He immediately started crying in his saddest cry for daddy. Except, I wouldn't let daddy go in there because we had told him that was the only time. I went in there and picked up up since he was standing by the door. I told him daddy was walking Stewie and wasn't here right now and reminded him that we told him daddy was leaving. I told him I loved him. Gave him a hug and kiss and left the room.

I can't remember if he cried when I left. If he did it was for a minute or so. And he's been sleeping since. Thank you God for this. For a brief flicker of light at the really distant tunnel. I know, now, that we can do this.

disorders

Since there's only 2 hours left in today, I better get my fingers typing and tell you all about Jayden's appointment yesterday. Even though I'm tired, I'll try to get this typed.

Yesterday we took Jayden to see a child psychologist to see if there is anything we've missed over the last 3 years. We spent 2 hours inside the doctor's office retelling the story I've told many times before beginning at pregnancy, all the way through today. Detailing tantrums, what works, what doesn't work, what we've tried, what we think and doing lots of listening to the doctor's thoughts.

Basically the appointment confirmed what I have thought and what the doctor thought and that's that he has been so traumatized from all his health issues he had as an infant. He has no good memories. With all of his screaming and crying he did as an infant, he learned that got him attention. Jayden has also learned his role in our family includes grunting and tantrums. We stare at him, he stares at us, he basically waits for us to lock in to him, then the tantrum starts, then we stare at him to see what his next move will be, then he continues to throw the tantrum. Instead of locking into his stare, we need to change the way we are handling these tantrums.

Easier said than done is my initial thought, but we're game to try anything that could possibly change his future.

Jayden has been lightly diagnosed with anxiety disorder and disruptive behavior disorder. As scary as this sounds, this is good because it's not something he will have to live with forever. He's not on the Spectrum for Autism, he doesn't show direct signs of oppositional defiant disorder, but there was also talk about ADHD. The doctor wasn't ready to make any diagnosis' with that. It's just something to keep in the back of our mind. Jayden is not really impulsive because he's thinking and looking around for reactions when he does things. Anyhow, what is going on with him is actually something we can try to help by working with him. Like I said earlier, easier said than done.

There is some talk about trying a drug on him to see if it helps him, but right now for the next 4-6 weeks, we're going to try some different behavior changes. A strict and very consistent bedtime routine. Asking him what he needs or wants when he grunts the first time. Not looking at him when he's having the tantrum, but being aware what's going on.

Because Jayden was such a sick baby, our view of him has been a bit different. We never knew if he was going to make it from one day to the next. With each apnea episode, we feared the worst. After spending many long days and nights in different hospitals when we finally got home, we subconsciously treated him differently. Almost like a miracle baby, or a very special baby. This was completely normal.

Anyhow, I've gone on long enough, skipping from one thing to the next. I hope this makes a little sense. But speaking of the little man, he's waking up now, so I gotta run!

update on Jayden tomorrow

Since I'm just getting sat down for the day, and I'm totally tired and ready for bed, I will update in full detail tomorrow about our day today with Jayden. Let's just say the psychologist got to see Jayden at his best and worst and we feel like we got a few answers.

Until tomorrow, good night.

swimming and sliding

I figure with all the talk about Jayden and the rough side of things it was time to bring out the fun, sweet side of him. What fun he has with a slide and a pool on our deck! Enjoy!

My little boy, who is 3 1/2 years old, loves the water. Having this small pool on the deck has made for many fun times for him. He's even learned how to plug his nose and go under water! He makes me so proud of the things he has accomplished!

still waiting

Updated:

Jayden has an appointment this coming Tuesday. I will be receiving a packet of stuff to fill out early. Typically they want it mailed back, but since there's not enough time to get that done, I'm supposed to take it with me to Sioux Falls. They said they wanted to get him in right away. I'm anxious, nervous, and a bit relieved.

Original Post:

I spoke with the doctor's receptionist about the appointment for Jayden. They lady she talked to yesterday told her to call back today. Hopefully today we will find out when the appointment will be. I was told it could be 1-2 months out. :-(

Last night wasn't as bad. His tantrum started at 2:40am. I went in there clearly not happy, talked very sternly to him and left the room. He still continued, so I went back into his room and did it again, this time raising my voice a bit. Believe me, I'm not a person you want to upset in the middle of the night. All walls are down at that point. Anyhow, back to Jayden, this tantrum only lasted 15 minutes.

Either way, we're now on day 4 of not sleeping through the night because of his outbursts.

doctor call

Jayden's tantrum lasted 2 1/2 hours the night before last. It went from 12-2:30am. Mike and I were shot the entire day. It was physically and emotionally exhausting. Jayden fell asleep at daycare eating his food, so he was tired too.

Last night, Jayden had another tantrum for 2 hours. This one was earlier and was from 8:20-10:30pm. I had gone to bed around 9pm, so it still felt like it was the middle of the night. Mike dealt with it for the most part, however, it kept me awake as well.

His tantrums have turned into a whining cry. We go into his room at least 25 times a night when he does this. Pick him up, put him to bed. He's usually quiet until we lay back in our bed and then he starts again. It's frustrating.

I finally called the doctor yesterday. I'm tired of the tantrums and the inappropriate responses from Jayden with every situation. This has been going on for 3 years. We've just been waiting for it to pass, but it hasn't. I think I do a consistent job at parenting and staying on top of his behavior. The simplest things set him off.

Yes, his tantrums happen throughout the day at home, but not at daycare. Can you believe that? How can there be something wrong with him neurologically when he acts quiet and behaves well for daycare? With us, nothing can stop him. He just screams louder.

I received the call from the doctor a little after 5pm yesterday. We talked for about 10 minutes. Jayden's doctor has seen these terrible tantrums for years as well because every time we went to the doctor he did this. And nothing would calm him down. At this point there are 2 options. They are going to schedule him for an appointment with a child psychiatrist. The doctor said with Jayden having such a rough start to life and experiencing so much trauma, he wants to make sure we aren't missing something before he tries a different medication. There is a medication that can be used to treat hyperactivity alone. It's not usually used on kids who are only 3, but rather 4-5. But the doctor said this medicine works well for kids who have troubles with hitting, kicking, biting and screaming for long periods of time. Well that's Jayden for sure.

The first step is to get him into the child psychiatrist to see if there is anything neurologically going on that isn't right. If it will be 2 months before we can get into them, the doctor wants to try this medication in the meantime and then stop the medication before the appointment. So for now, I wait until they call me today and tell me when the appointment is.

I understand Jayden has extreme emotional shifts, but these are beyond a typical child at this age. The part that frustrates me the most about this is the fact that I went to school to work with children of this age. My job is working with these children. I know what to do with these children. I teach parents about this stuff, yet I can't figure out how to fix my own child....if there is a fix. And the other extremely frustrating factor is that he doesn't do this for daycare and probably not for grandma. Just us. Just where he feels the safest to let loose.

Well, that's it for now. I will update when I find out when the appointment is. In the meantime, we continue to deal with this norm.

it begins again

I sit on one side of the door as he throws himself into a frenzy on the other side, for the second night in a row, after several weeks of nothing. I sit here having an emotional breakdown with tears running down my face.

He's screaming, kicking, throwing things against the wall, hitting the door, and crying. It's a vicious cycle.

The crying changes to a sad cry. "Daddy" is heard over and over. For the hundredth time, daddy goes in there to try to calm him down. But he starts in again. Another tantrum. Another frenzy.

He wakes up the other kids as they come and beg for us to make him stop. What can we do? Nothing works. At this point, the medicine he takes no longer keeps him asleep at night. Instead it's at least an hour of screaming, crying, and fit throwing.

The tears feel hot and salty running down my face. I feel like I have no where to go. I don't know what I can do. It breaks my heart in half. And yet, I think, "what is wrong with my little boy?", "why is he like this?", or "is there some kind of diagnosis that's going unnoticed?"

Looming near the front of my brain is autism. At his worst, I fear autism. At his best, he's a perfectly normal boy.

I've done everything shy of begging the doctor. I'm afraid if I go into the doctor with him now that I will become a heaping pile of wet mess on the floor. The doctor has seen these fits for years in his office. However, they have gotten better while there.

Right now, I'm so unbelievably stressed. I'm crying. And I don't know what to do.

today is golden

Happy Golden Birthday to my beautiful daughter, Shaylee!

12 years ago today, I gave birth to a 9 pound 7 ounce baby girl with the most lovable legs in all the world. Yes, legs! I fell in love with them the minute I seen them. But the rest of her was absolutely perfect as well.

Her little toes soon became my little sausages that I wanted to fry up and eat in butter. Man would she giggle when I'd tell her that! Sounds horrid now, but it was a fun game. In fact today when I see those sausages I still tell her I'm going to eat them for supper.

Shaylee has made me proud in so many ways. Her singing voice sends chills down my spine. Her talent, personality, laugh, willingness to help, and her sense of humor make my day. She has become an inspiring athlete in softball and volleyball. This year she was the pitcher on her team. It was awesome to watch her focus so intensely and pitch that ball to the required box. I know I couldn't do that!

Shaylee is a sweet and spunky tween who likes to keep me on my toes and loves to know what's going on all the time. Her grades are spectacular and the teachers adore her. But I knew I would have no problems with that from the first minute I seen her.

Happy 12th Birthday Shaylee! I love you!
I hope your GOLDEN Birthday is everything you hoped for!

Not Me! Monday

Head on over to MckMama's page if you want to see pictures of her adorable baby son and read many more blogs with Not Me Mondays.

This is not my first Not Me Monday of 2010. I have been fully prepared to participate every week and have loved doing so.

I did not go into an IHOP bathroom about the same time as another lady and sit in the stall making absolutely no sounds because I had to go number 2 so bad, but wouldn't do so in the presence of anybody else, until she left the bathroom. That would be so silly of me because everyone poops, I mean there is even a book titled that to help children with that task. I never ever have these issues anywhere else in public either.

Upon entering my bedroom late at night due to insomnia, I certainly did not stare really close at my husband's face trying to figure out exactly how he was making those sounds come out of his mouth. And I never took out my phone to video tape it to try to prove to him what he sounds like. That would be absurd!

Since I had knee surgery this past week, I've been laid up and doing exercises with my knee and leg. When I'm on the floor, I do not under any circumstances wonder what I must look like trying to get up off the floor. And never would I imagine myself to look like one of those "bent over old granny" decorations you see outside someones house. And to top it off, while getting my big self off the floor, I honestly didn't try to look through my legs when I found myself in a compromised position. Nope, not me!

I would never, ever find myself laughing at the cats in the middle of the night because of a marble rolling across the floor.

So that's about it for me this week. What have you not been up to?

me

• I'm not perfect.
• My children chew with their mouths open.
• I lose my temper.
• I let the laundry pile up until we are at least 8 loads behind.
• I feed my kids canned Ravioli (and they love it).
• My children go days without taking a shower.
• I eat lots of chocolate and other sweets.
• My dog poops in the house and I make my kids pick it up.
• I complain when I'm bored.
• I find my temper is testy in the middle of the night.
• My son screams higher than an opera singer.
• I meant to plant a garden this year.
• I've threatened to throw my laptop out the window.
• I wish I had gone to school for nursing.
• I think way to much about things that shouldn't matter.
• I sit in disbelief on how other people live their lives, both good and bad.
• I have naturally curly, wavy, frizzy hair that I hate. And don't tell me you would love to have my hair because it's not what you think it is.
• When a child pukes or poops where they shouldn't, I make let my husband clean it up.
• I felt like sharing a few things today.

ironic

A little story about something ironic. Something ironic that happened to come full circle today.

I have been craving Special K bars all day. Bad. I dug out my recipe and tried calling my mom hoping she would buy the ingredients and bring them to me. But when I called her, the phone went straight to voice mail, both times. So I gave up. I questioned if I would be able to make a trip to the store with my knee and told my husband we were headed to Wal-Mart tonight so I could get out of the house and buy those said ingredients.

I talked to my mom on the way to Wal-Mart and she said I needed to stop by to see the tree that was cut down. Anyhow, that's beside the point.

We went to Wal-Mart, bought all the ingredients I need to make the bars, talked to my favorite cashier about making those bars, laughed a lot, and headed out.

Our next stop was to my mom's to see the tree. It was odd not being there, but didn't look abnormally strange. It was a huge, gigantic weeping willow tree. The tree is gone. As Mike and I sit in the driveway we have the following conversation.

Mike: "We could just back out and they wouldn't know we were here or not."
Me: "Ya. I guess."
Mike: "It's up to you."
Me: "Well, what if they have goodies today." (I'm always looking for something sweet to eat.)
Mike: "Do they usually have goodies?"
Me: "Well no, but what if TONIGHT they do have goodies??"
Mike: "Ok then." (And he puts the car in park.)

We go inside and have a little conversation, watch the dog, stare at the tv, laugh about different things and then my mom heads to the kitchen and starts messing around. Right away, I start joking, "hey you got goodies in there??" She comes to the living room and asked if I could smell them. I said no.

Here she is carrying, two napkins, one for Mike and I with a bar on them. My eyes bulge out of my head and I start asking "are those Special K bars?" over and over in complete disbelief. My mom thought I was going a bit nuts. Then I explained the story about wanting these bars all day and how we had just bought the ingredients.

My mom never bakes or ever has any goodies. And tonight, ironically enough, she had the very bars I had been craving without ever saying a word to her about them.

Ironic.

bored bored bored

Can I tell you how bored I am? Seriously? Today I slept until 10am and was taking a nap by 1pm. I go from the couch to the toilet to the bed and in a circle real similar to that. Even the TV shows I have recorded don't look good.

I've been so bored I've been emailing my co-workers. Ugh. It stinks sitting here and doing nothing. I do exercises, I ice it, I elevate it, and I eat. And that's about it.

I'm bored, bored, bored.

from my thigh to my toes...

I am wrapped in ACE bandage and gauze. Yesterday when I got home from surgery, I was quite tired and doped up on some pretty good drugs. I actually thought this was going to be a piece of cake healing from this.

Then I went to bed and had the most sleepless night I've had since being pregnant or having a newborn! I tossed and turned a few times, but that's hard enough because of having a gimpy leg. I had my wonderful husband put ice on it several times through the night and get me pain meds. Finally around 6am I truly fell asleep....which led to a short night.

Upon waking this morning, I started doing the stretches they told me I needed to do. They weren't overly painful and actually felt kind of good to do. I iced my knee after the exercises and a few hours later I got up to find my knee was terribly painful. I guess that's what happens the second day.

Yesterday I was moving better than today, but today still isn't awful. I'm saving my good drugs for before bedtime tonight in hopes of a better nights sleep.

Next Monday I go back to see the doctor. Oh and tomorrow, I get to unwrap my leg from my thigh to my toes, long enough to take a shower and then it's time to wrap it up again.

surgery today

Today is the day I will have surgery on my knee for the 2nd time. I've actually had surgery on both knees and now today will be the third time and hopefully the last, but if I follow in my mother's footsteps, then it's possible I could be facing issues later in life. Much later, hopefully. Apparently my family has a history of bad knees.

I love going under anesthesia. The feeling of being awake one second and then watching the room dim in a few seconds is really neat. Call me crazy, but I do love it. And I have been put under many times!

Anyhow, it's time for us to vamoose. Got to drop the kids at daycare, run to Wal-Mart, and then head to Sioux Falls. Hopefully you'll hear from me soon!

two of my favorite boys

a tough morning for the little boy from a cut lip, made a tough morning for the big boy...

leading to a snuggle nap.