it begins again

I sit on one side of the door as he throws himself into a frenzy on the other side, for the second night in a row, after several weeks of nothing. I sit here having an emotional breakdown with tears running down my face.

He's screaming, kicking, throwing things against the wall, hitting the door, and crying. It's a vicious cycle.

The crying changes to a sad cry. "Daddy" is heard over and over. For the hundredth time, daddy goes in there to try to calm him down. But he starts in again. Another tantrum. Another frenzy.

He wakes up the other kids as they come and beg for us to make him stop. What can we do? Nothing works. At this point, the medicine he takes no longer keeps him asleep at night. Instead it's at least an hour of screaming, crying, and fit throwing.

The tears feel hot and salty running down my face. I feel like I have no where to go. I don't know what I can do. It breaks my heart in half. And yet, I think, "what is wrong with my little boy?", "why is he like this?", or "is there some kind of diagnosis that's going unnoticed?"

Looming near the front of my brain is autism. At his worst, I fear autism. At his best, he's a perfectly normal boy.

I've done everything shy of begging the doctor. I'm afraid if I go into the doctor with him now that I will become a heaping pile of wet mess on the floor. The doctor has seen these fits for years in his office. However, they have gotten better while there.

Right now, I'm so unbelievably stressed. I'm crying. And I don't know what to do.