exhausted

When mommy realizes she needs a time out, then you know it's bad. I'm not totally to that point yet, but I'm close. If you're looking for happy...turn back now, because my mind is about to run free. This is my blog and I will write how I want. And right now I want to vent. Read at your own risk.I found myself pondering several questions today when crabbiness snuck in faster than the flip of a coin. What could possibly trigger such a mood change, other than many different factors being stirred up like a pot of soup.

I find it very challenging and exhausting to be a parent to six children, four of whom are my step children. I am exhausted from having no days or weekends without kids, no offers to baby-sit from family, and maybe the empty promises from their mother. I'm tired of them being sick for the past week.

I am exhausted at the thought of buying groceries every week, filling up two carts full, spending over $300 and still not knowing what to cook for supper. I really hate grocery shopping and more than that, I really hate putting them away. Groceries are expensive and money is something we have not a lot of.

When supper time rolls around, it's not a simple, let's whip something together and call it good. There are six children here, which means, we cook for an entire herd. I'm talking 8 chicken breasts on the grill, or 8 steaks, or an entire box of pancake mix (which leaves no leftovers), or 3 dozen eggs on the griddle, or 16 grilled cheese sandwiches. It's exhausting! I remember not to long ago someone was over visiting at she wanted her camera along to take pictures of the process of supper at our house. Amusing to outsiders, exhausting for parents.

I find myself saying the same things over and over to my kids, to realize it goes right out the other ear, if it even went in the first ear. It's depressing, irritating and annoying to have six little children in this house and have to deal with zero listening skills for days on end. I have had the talk with them, we have had the talk with them. It's so frustrating.

I'm sick of driving to Madison to work. I'm sick of being treated like crap by somebody above me at work and watching that person get away with it, time and time again. I look in the classifieds every single night, hoping for a different job, that's closer to home. I'm tired of waiting for September to roll around to see if we got our grant, so we can decide if my job will move to Brookings...because September has been here for 25 days and we still haven't heard anything.

I really get annoyed by people who drive 45mph down a busy highway when I can't pass because there is too much oncoming traffic. Speed limit is 65, is it that hard to push down on the gas and quit causing a huge bottleneck behind them? I guess so.

It feels like my house is always a mess or that we're always cleaning, but since nobody can pick up after themselves, it's just a vicious cycle that never ends. I swear I should just throw out all the clutter, toys, puzzles, books, shoes, coats, backpacks, clothes, and blankets, and then, just maybe my house would be clean! We hung handy dandy little hooks at the low height for backpacks and coats. One for each child. But for some reason, it's easier to just throw them down on the floor, right in the doorway.

I'm tired of my step-children's mother, who is in prison and has been for the past year, making empty promises to the kids on a fairly regular basis. The fact that she says she'll call and doesn't. She says she'll start paying child support and doesn't. She says she gets out of prison on a certain date and won't, she tries to take us all on her roller-coaster ride by bringing up all the bad stuff from the past, or saying we don't try, when we do. Look at what we do! Look at what we do for your kids while you sit in prison. I'm tired of telling them they can't do all the extracurricular activities outside of school because we can't afford it.

I think I just need a break. I think we need a break. We used to get those breaks every other weekend before she went to prison and now we don't. And now it's finally taking a toll on me. I'm tired. I'm exhausted.

If you've made it this far, thanks for hearing me out. I think I'm just extra sensitive because of my sore throat, too. Now I'm going to put on a smile, open my very tired eyes, and put one foot in front of the other and begin the same routine I do every night.