brutal honesty

I hate anxiety. Social anxiety. Any anxiety. I also hate my "e" on my keyboard because it sticks or it doesn't work. That's beside the point. Except for it makes my typing on here take much longer and makes me much more frustrated.

I have terrible anxiety that I have had for years. The fear of being judged, fear of being talked about, fear of not doing things right and facing consequences and the fear of what others think of me. I've always felt this way, but it's so bad that I don't go out with friends, avoid many situations where I may have to talk to someone, and would much rather be at home. I believe this has gotten worse over the years as I have put on weight and my self esteem has been demolished. Then when I add backstabbers and judgemental people into the equation that brings out even negative feelings.

I even feel judged in my own church, which I haven't been to yet this year. And I think this sucks. My youngest tells me that's our church when we drive by it, but I cannot bring myself to walk through those doors.

Today was a rough day. I was confronted on something that happened over a year ago. And it was something that was so petty I was shocked it came up. I did nothing wrong in this case. Whatever it was doesn't matter, but what matters is how this person made me feel. I felt like crap, like everyone was looking at me and like people have been talking about me. I felt naive. Good thing I have one good person I can talk to, who helped me stay calm and just walk away from it. After all, I am the better person in this case. I walked away and tried to keep my head held high. It sucked.

I look at myself in my job. I am a professional who many people look up to. They rely on me for advice and resources. They call me a teacher. They say they don't want to lose me. They like me. I can honestly say I am good at my job and I am able to look like the strong person that I desire to be. So what's different? Is it that I am a person within an entity...my employer? Is it that I can relate to so many people? How can I be two different people? The person I am in my job is not like the person I am at home. Doesn't that mean I am two-faced? Why can't I see the good in myself and build on that in my personal life?

These questions plague me. They eat me up. They make me think. I think I need to get a life. Literally. And start living. Because this being that I am living in now isn't life. Somethings got to give.

I am not going to proofread this post because I will delete it all. Instead, I have typed with an open flow of words coming straight from my conscious.